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Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Snoring
Everybody has experienced snoring at some point in their life, Right? You know...
The sleepless nights
Telling them to turn over on their side
Being frustrated the next day because of the lack of sleep
Getting your feelings hurt easy
Frustration, aggravation, anger
I am experiencing the snoring event of a lifetime.
I am frustrated many mornings because I am so tired from the lack of sleep.
My feelings are getting hurt easy and over nothing. Probably because I am so tired.
The sleepless nights are getting me down.
I am frustrated, aggravated, and angry.
My husband is wearing me out waking me up every night. Nooooooooo, not because of his snoring but because he keeps waking me up and telling ME to turn over on my side.
ACK!!!!!!!!!!!! I am the snorer! OMG! I have snored lightly in the past but, my husband says that I sound like a chain saw now. Just all of a sudden, too. Neither of us understands what is going on but we both want it to stop.
I can sleep with the snoring----his and mine----really, it doesn't bother me a bit :D , but, he cannot and there lies the problem.
What to do, what to do.....separate bedrooms, maybe.... ;)
The sleepless nights
Telling them to turn over on their side
Being frustrated the next day because of the lack of sleep
Getting your feelings hurt easy
Frustration, aggravation, anger
I am experiencing the snoring event of a lifetime.
I am frustrated many mornings because I am so tired from the lack of sleep.
My feelings are getting hurt easy and over nothing. Probably because I am so tired.
The sleepless nights are getting me down.
I am frustrated, aggravated, and angry.
My husband is wearing me out waking me up every night. Nooooooooo, not because of his snoring but because he keeps waking me up and telling ME to turn over on my side.
ACK!!!!!!!!!!!! I am the snorer! OMG! I have snored lightly in the past but, my husband says that I sound like a chain saw now. Just all of a sudden, too. Neither of us understands what is going on but we both want it to stop.
I can sleep with the snoring----his and mine----really, it doesn't bother me a bit :D , but, he cannot and there lies the problem.
What to do, what to do.....separate bedrooms, maybe.... ;)
Friday, June 26, 2009
Who the heck was I kidding...?
Myself obviously. I have been looking forward to summer since January. Yes, that is when we returned to school from Christmas vacation but I was ready then for summer vacation. This last school year was pretty stressful as I accepted extra duties and we got a class of kids that were pretty egocentric, unmotivated, and had little intention of following rules, instructions or staying within boundaries. So, summer vacation was going to be my savior and I was going to relax and let the summer sooth my frayed nerves and prepare me for the next school year.
Who the heck was I kidding? Again, myself obviously. First, sil wasn't quite finished with the radical chemotherapy/stem cell (his own) transplant treatments he was taking to eradicate the Hodgkin's Disease that came out of remission. There were so many things to worry about going wrong with all of that and the most dangerous was for him to develop an infection. I worried constantly about him and his son. If something happens to daddy, that little guy will be orphaned and he just worships his daddy. SIL has weathered one round of infections since he was released from the hospital. Please, please, please, no more infections until his white cell count is back to normal.
Second, my mil fell in her driveway and broke her shoulder the second week we were out of school. More stress, what am I going to do to relax.... We live next to them and do so so we can help care for them in those times of need. Well, it seems like it has been one of those times every summer since we moved next door. Selfish of me to think this way, isn't it? More stress, I don't like feeling selfish. Luckily, she is healing like she is suppose to.
Third, the one thing that is suppose to help me relax has caused me more stress. Mainly because we have never done this before and I am so in the dark about procedures and etc... We are taking a cruise. Don't get me wrong, I am really, really looking forward to it and especially since the other 2 events but, we are so new to this and one wrong move and we could be our $2200 with not much hope of getting much of it back. So, worried about the passports...got mine in 3 weeks, YES! It took six weeks to get Scott's and I started to worry that our mailman put it in the wrong mail box (yes, he does that from time to time) and that if he did, the owner of that box just threw the passport away instead of putting it back in their box. That was stress I really didn't need.
Fourth, I had to take my cat to the vet to get neutered and wormed. He has never, ever been away from our home site. He was born here. When I had to cage him over night to make sure he didn't eat or drink, he started stressing and so did I. Thank goodness he trusts me so much. He calmed down pretty quickly and got through the night okay. Well, the major stress began the next morning when I had to load him in the car and go to the vet. I felt like the worst person in the world. He cried half the way there and I cried all the way there. More stress, I couldn't stand it. I even cried at the vet's office. You would have thought I was taking him in to be put to sleep. Thank goodness he is home.
Fifth, my sister is having back and neck problems among other things. I am so sad and sorry for her. I worry about her more than she knows. She has tried so hard to have a normal, loving family just to have her ex husband screw everything up just to make her unhappy. The back and neck is not good because she is risking losing range of motion and other things with any surgery she may have to have done.
Sixth, I have a toothache. I don't need a toothache. I don't need anymore stress.
Like I asked, who the heck was I kidding? Relax all summer and go to school feeling refreshed and alive? Ha! I am going to be lucky if I get to relax two weeks before school starts back.
Maybe the relaxation will come with the start of a new school year.....
I think I am going to need one.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Hodgkin's Disease
My husband and I have been married for 21 years. We have a very solid and happy marriage. We have been through quite a few hard times together. First, I lost my mother suddenly. Second, about 5 years later, my sister died from cancer. Third, his daughter died suddenly. We have weathered the storms and keep coming to the top. Now, we have another storm to weather.
My husband's son-in-law was diagnosed with Hodgkin's disease 5 years ago. He went through radical treatment. The doctors had just told him it was gone when my husband's daughter died leaving behind the sil and a 2 year old son. Very devastating to all of us. It broke my heart to see my husband suffer, sil walked around in a cloud for months and months and, dgs just couldn't understand why his mommy wasn't coming home.
Just before Christmas, sil was told that the Hodgkin's disease was back. They did discover it before it had started staging but it didn't take long for tumors to appear. He has to undergo more chemotherapy, blood cleansing and stem cell transplants. He is not telling his son that the cancer is back because the little guy is just 4 (will be 5 in March) and he really doesn't understand anything about how bad a disease cancer is.
SIL is in the hospital this week but all they are telling dgs is that "daddy is working undercover" (sil is a deputy sheriff) and having to work and will be home soon. I don't agree with this because I have seen that little guy worry himself silly before because he didn't know why he couldn't see his daddy. Don't they understand that when daddy goes away for an extended amount of time and dgs doesn't get to talk to him, the little guy starts worrying that his daddy is going to go away and not come back like his mommy did?
SIL's chemotherapy treatments are Monday through Wednesday all day long. He will be getting these treatments every other week through 4 treatments. Every time sil has to go into the hospital for the treatment, they are going to tell dgs the same story. I don't know what they are going to do later on when they start the more progressive part of the treatment and sil has to stay in the hospital for longer periods of time.
I am so scared and sad for them. This little family doesn't deserve anymore grief. It is so important that sil survive this round with Hodgkin's, it wouldn't be fair for his little man to have to go through life without the daddy that he idolizes.
Please put them in your thoughts and prayers. Thank you.
My husband's son-in-law was diagnosed with Hodgkin's disease 5 years ago. He went through radical treatment. The doctors had just told him it was gone when my husband's daughter died leaving behind the sil and a 2 year old son. Very devastating to all of us. It broke my heart to see my husband suffer, sil walked around in a cloud for months and months and, dgs just couldn't understand why his mommy wasn't coming home.
Just before Christmas, sil was told that the Hodgkin's disease was back. They did discover it before it had started staging but it didn't take long for tumors to appear. He has to undergo more chemotherapy, blood cleansing and stem cell transplants. He is not telling his son that the cancer is back because the little guy is just 4 (will be 5 in March) and he really doesn't understand anything about how bad a disease cancer is.
SIL is in the hospital this week but all they are telling dgs is that "daddy is working undercover" (sil is a deputy sheriff) and having to work and will be home soon. I don't agree with this because I have seen that little guy worry himself silly before because he didn't know why he couldn't see his daddy. Don't they understand that when daddy goes away for an extended amount of time and dgs doesn't get to talk to him, the little guy starts worrying that his daddy is going to go away and not come back like his mommy did?
SIL's chemotherapy treatments are Monday through Wednesday all day long. He will be getting these treatments every other week through 4 treatments. Every time sil has to go into the hospital for the treatment, they are going to tell dgs the same story. I don't know what they are going to do later on when they start the more progressive part of the treatment and sil has to stay in the hospital for longer periods of time.
I am so scared and sad for them. This little family doesn't deserve anymore grief. It is so important that sil survive this round with Hodgkin's, it wouldn't be fair for his little man to have to go through life without the daddy that he idolizes.
Please put them in your thoughts and prayers. Thank you.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Tough Month
Scott has worked really hard not to let these dates, May 10 and May 22, get him down this year but, it is impossible to do completely. We went to Ravyn's grave yesterday evening since the 22nd is her birthday. We placed a live plant at her headstone and then, I held my man while he cried.
You would think that May would be a month that 2 teachers would look forward to every year. Especially since it always represents the end of the school year and the coming of summer in all it's colors and glory. We used to but, since Ravyn died 2 years ago in May, this month has become a very tough month for us. And, this year it has been even tougher. The anniversary date of her death fell during Mother's Day weekend and her birthday fell in Memorial Day weekend.
Her death is a tragedy. She had wanted a baby so bad and had to fight the doctors to have one because she had cysts so bad that they had become life threatening. She was lucky and had a baby boy within the year the doctors told her she had to get pregnant and then, 2 years laters, she left that beautiful boy. It is so sad that she is not here to watch the love and joy of her life grow up. He looks and acts so much like she did when she was a child.
Knowing how much she wanted this child and how eager she was to watch him grow up, I have a hard time believing that "she is in a better place". I hate going to funerals and hearing people say that. I feel this way because some people love life so much and no matter how much faith they have, they do not want die to find out if there is a "better place".
Ravyn is missing her son grow up and what is worse, he will not remember much about his mother. Pictures and people can only do so much with those memories and then his memories of his mother become the memories of others and are no longer personal to him.
I will do what I can for my husband every year at this time. I love him and I know it broke his heart when she died. Being here for him is all I can do but, it is better than him having to suffer alone. That is all I can do.
You would think that May would be a month that 2 teachers would look forward to every year. Especially since it always represents the end of the school year and the coming of summer in all it's colors and glory. We used to but, since Ravyn died 2 years ago in May, this month has become a very tough month for us. And, this year it has been even tougher. The anniversary date of her death fell during Mother's Day weekend and her birthday fell in Memorial Day weekend.
Her death is a tragedy. She had wanted a baby so bad and had to fight the doctors to have one because she had cysts so bad that they had become life threatening. She was lucky and had a baby boy within the year the doctors told her she had to get pregnant and then, 2 years laters, she left that beautiful boy. It is so sad that she is not here to watch the love and joy of her life grow up. He looks and acts so much like she did when she was a child.
Knowing how much she wanted this child and how eager she was to watch him grow up, I have a hard time believing that "she is in a better place". I hate going to funerals and hearing people say that. I feel this way because some people love life so much and no matter how much faith they have, they do not want die to find out if there is a "better place".
Ravyn is missing her son grow up and what is worse, he will not remember much about his mother. Pictures and people can only do so much with those memories and then his memories of his mother become the memories of others and are no longer personal to him.
I will do what I can for my husband every year at this time. I love him and I know it broke his heart when she died. Being here for him is all I can do but, it is better than him having to suffer alone. That is all I can do.
Friday, May 9, 2008
The Day that No Body Came.
It happened 2 years ago tomorrow. What it? The death of my husband's daughter. She died suddenly May 10, 2006. Yes, it has been hard on my husband as it is on all parents when they lose a child.
The funeral was set for Monday, May 15. Lots and lots of people came. Yes, they did and I will get around to the title in a bit. The church was full of people and I didn't want to look stupid by looking around to see who all was there. I wish I had gone out before the funeral had started to find that out.
The minister did a good job with the sermon (I don't know why they think they need to do a sermon at a funeral but...). My husband's daughter was really fond of this guy and, from the sermon, he seem to be really fond of her.
Lots of people loved her and they showed her that on that day.
My husband and I were relaxing at home that evening after the funeral. It had been long and trying up to that point but, every body had finally gone home and we could just be us and heal our way. As we looked back at the guest book, we saw lots of names of people we knew and a few names of people we didn't know. It was amazing the number of people that came to show their support to my husband, his family, to his daughter, her husband, and her family.
Yep, I am not in there. I looked up and down that list of names that was in the guest book. I was so hurt. I thought I had established some good solid relationships with the people I teach with and work with every day. I have been supportive of them. The only name in that book of a person that came to support me was that of my father and my step-mother. I can't describe completely how I felt that day. I cried so hard and was so angered that my husband was very concerned that I might do something really stupid once I returned to school.
THAT WAS THE DAY THAT NO BODY CAME!
I looked at my emails the next day and I had 2 from teachers that I consider friends. One had tried to get a sub to come to the funeral but, there were so many teachers out that day that she gave up and just stayed at school. In her email, she told me that she had told her husband that she had made a very grave mistake by not coming to my husband's daughter's funeral. One teacher was gone for a couple of days and didn't know when the funeral was. The rest tried to tell me that they didn't know when the funeral was or how to get a hold of me to find out. Poor excuses. We have a call tree and, I told the principal about the arrangements. Yes, he knew and he told no one and, he didn't show up. I am not surprised by that as I have always felt that he didn't like me however, I did think he would come to support my husband as he has always said he liked and respected him. What a fool I am. The pain of that day is still very strong.
The 1st teacher and I discussed that nobody had come from our school to show me any support. She kept telling me how sorry she was that she just didn't leave and let the principal worry about her class. She told me again that she felt like she was going to pay for that some day. We both discussed that and agreed that that would probably never happen.
Monday evening (this Monday evening), she found her middle son dead. He is only 27 years old. Of course she is devestated. I went to see her Tuesday on my plan period and the 1st things she said was how sorry she was that she didn't make it to the funeral to support me. I told her not to worry that this was not about me. We never believed that this would happen. She still said she was sorry. I am very sad for her as I know her son and really like him. He is a gourgeous young man that is very popular. The people showed that today when they came to his funeral. Yes, I know that because I went.
THE DAY THAT NO BODY CAME, has come to the minds of other teachers at our school. One came to me today to talk about it. She had just realized how bad I must have hurt when no body from our school had showed up at my husband's daughter's funeral. She told me how sorry she was and wished she could get down on her knees and beg to change the fact that she wasn't there. Now, I didn't really know her well when my husband's daughter died. This teacher was new to our building but, she has been able to figure out over time how important it should have been to those teachers that knew me well to be at that funeral. I couldn't tell her how it made me realize that no body at the school cared about me in any way. I still feel that way today after 2 years.
Today, somebody sent my husband and I flowers to school to apologize for THE DAY THAT NO BODY CAME. I appreciate the flowers but, it cannot change the fact that there was no body there to support me from our school.
My husband always tells me that we are not going to be like other people. I fully support that but, today, I wish I could. I did not want to be at that funeral no matter how much I care about this teacher. I wanted so to be like the rest just because it would have made me happy. Yes, that is selfish but, some times, I need to be selfish.
The really sad part here is that, none of the other administrators were at this funeral and they all knew his young man as they had either taught him or coached him or had been at that school while he was there. No principals and no superintendent. I am thinking that this is not a good way to show support to your teachers. I lose more respect for these people every day.
THE DAY THAT NO BODY CAME, is now haunting other people besides me. What a sad day today is and tomorrow will be.
The funeral was set for Monday, May 15. Lots and lots of people came. Yes, they did and I will get around to the title in a bit. The church was full of people and I didn't want to look stupid by looking around to see who all was there. I wish I had gone out before the funeral had started to find that out.
The minister did a good job with the sermon (I don't know why they think they need to do a sermon at a funeral but...). My husband's daughter was really fond of this guy and, from the sermon, he seem to be really fond of her.
Lots of people loved her and they showed her that on that day.
My husband and I were relaxing at home that evening after the funeral. It had been long and trying up to that point but, every body had finally gone home and we could just be us and heal our way. As we looked back at the guest book, we saw lots of names of people we knew and a few names of people we didn't know. It was amazing the number of people that came to show their support to my husband, his family, to his daughter, her husband, and her family.
Yep, I am not in there. I looked up and down that list of names that was in the guest book. I was so hurt. I thought I had established some good solid relationships with the people I teach with and work with every day. I have been supportive of them. The only name in that book of a person that came to support me was that of my father and my step-mother. I can't describe completely how I felt that day. I cried so hard and was so angered that my husband was very concerned that I might do something really stupid once I returned to school.
THAT WAS THE DAY THAT NO BODY CAME!
I looked at my emails the next day and I had 2 from teachers that I consider friends. One had tried to get a sub to come to the funeral but, there were so many teachers out that day that she gave up and just stayed at school. In her email, she told me that she had told her husband that she had made a very grave mistake by not coming to my husband's daughter's funeral. One teacher was gone for a couple of days and didn't know when the funeral was. The rest tried to tell me that they didn't know when the funeral was or how to get a hold of me to find out. Poor excuses. We have a call tree and, I told the principal about the arrangements. Yes, he knew and he told no one and, he didn't show up. I am not surprised by that as I have always felt that he didn't like me however, I did think he would come to support my husband as he has always said he liked and respected him. What a fool I am. The pain of that day is still very strong.
The 1st teacher and I discussed that nobody had come from our school to show me any support. She kept telling me how sorry she was that she just didn't leave and let the principal worry about her class. She told me again that she felt like she was going to pay for that some day. We both discussed that and agreed that that would probably never happen.
Monday evening (this Monday evening), she found her middle son dead. He is only 27 years old. Of course she is devestated. I went to see her Tuesday on my plan period and the 1st things she said was how sorry she was that she didn't make it to the funeral to support me. I told her not to worry that this was not about me. We never believed that this would happen. She still said she was sorry. I am very sad for her as I know her son and really like him. He is a gourgeous young man that is very popular. The people showed that today when they came to his funeral. Yes, I know that because I went.
THE DAY THAT NO BODY CAME, has come to the minds of other teachers at our school. One came to me today to talk about it. She had just realized how bad I must have hurt when no body from our school had showed up at my husband's daughter's funeral. She told me how sorry she was and wished she could get down on her knees and beg to change the fact that she wasn't there. Now, I didn't really know her well when my husband's daughter died. This teacher was new to our building but, she has been able to figure out over time how important it should have been to those teachers that knew me well to be at that funeral. I couldn't tell her how it made me realize that no body at the school cared about me in any way. I still feel that way today after 2 years.
Today, somebody sent my husband and I flowers to school to apologize for THE DAY THAT NO BODY CAME. I appreciate the flowers but, it cannot change the fact that there was no body there to support me from our school.
My husband always tells me that we are not going to be like other people. I fully support that but, today, I wish I could. I did not want to be at that funeral no matter how much I care about this teacher. I wanted so to be like the rest just because it would have made me happy. Yes, that is selfish but, some times, I need to be selfish.
The really sad part here is that, none of the other administrators were at this funeral and they all knew his young man as they had either taught him or coached him or had been at that school while he was there. No principals and no superintendent. I am thinking that this is not a good way to show support to your teachers. I lose more respect for these people every day.
THE DAY THAT NO BODY CAME, is now haunting other people besides me. What a sad day today is and tomorrow will be.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
A Dreaded Anniversary
Coming up, May 10, is the 2nd anniversary of my husband's daughter's death. She was 25 years old when she died suddenly. We know what caused the death and are at peace with the cause. She left a beautiful 2 year old boy behind. He was the light of her life. She also left behind a husband that was pretty lost with out her.
Although my husband has gone on with his life and spends time with his grandson, he has days that he has to struggle through. Last year, at this time, he was so down that I became very concerned about him. I know that he goes over and over in his mind how things could have been different. He and his daughter didn't have the best relationship. Not really because of them 2 but, because of interference from her mother and grandmother. He tried to do what he thought was right. He tried to show his daughter how much he loved her just to have it back fire in his face. Now, he has to relive all that and wonder what he could have done that was different.
The whole ill relationship was, as I said earlier, created by his ex-wife. We are not sure why she did what she did but, she did. Funny sentence isn't it? My husband's ex-wife told his daughter lies about her father and the relationship they had when they were married. Daughter believed it all and nothing my husband said could ever convince her differently. Honestly, I think they did manage to work through that.
Then, one day, his daughter went to him at school and asked him how he could put me ahead of her in his life. That whole conversation didn't go the way she wanted, either. We had no idea that she was jealous of me. She and I had always managed to get a long with each other. We never spoke harsh words to each other. Now, what we may have told other people about each other is different. Right up until her death, she still felt that way. Her husband told me once that he couldn't get her past it either. He said she just didn't understand how my husband could put me first.
It breaks my heart to see my husband hurt when I know he tried his best. Most of it could have been changed with a little help from his ex. I know, why would we expect any help from her, she is his ex and they are suppose to mistreat each other. However, it really never was that way. Any time I see her, she always speak, she always did. The two of them didn't split up because of me, I came along after the fact. I never spoke ill about her to her daughter because, I didn't know her and as long as she didn't interfer with my and my husband's relationship, I wasn't going to be ugly. After we moved closer to my husband's daughter (his home town), it was still that way. The ex never tried to interfer with our relationship but she did a good job of butchering her daughter and my husband's.
That is all old stuff now. I wish that there was some way to change what happened but, there isn't. I will just be here for him when he starts having his days. He is a good man and his daughter missed out on knowing that. I will take care of him as he misses her.
Although my husband has gone on with his life and spends time with his grandson, he has days that he has to struggle through. Last year, at this time, he was so down that I became very concerned about him. I know that he goes over and over in his mind how things could have been different. He and his daughter didn't have the best relationship. Not really because of them 2 but, because of interference from her mother and grandmother. He tried to do what he thought was right. He tried to show his daughter how much he loved her just to have it back fire in his face. Now, he has to relive all that and wonder what he could have done that was different.
The whole ill relationship was, as I said earlier, created by his ex-wife. We are not sure why she did what she did but, she did. Funny sentence isn't it? My husband's ex-wife told his daughter lies about her father and the relationship they had when they were married. Daughter believed it all and nothing my husband said could ever convince her differently. Honestly, I think they did manage to work through that.
Then, one day, his daughter went to him at school and asked him how he could put me ahead of her in his life. That whole conversation didn't go the way she wanted, either. We had no idea that she was jealous of me. She and I had always managed to get a long with each other. We never spoke harsh words to each other. Now, what we may have told other people about each other is different. Right up until her death, she still felt that way. Her husband told me once that he couldn't get her past it either. He said she just didn't understand how my husband could put me first.
It breaks my heart to see my husband hurt when I know he tried his best. Most of it could have been changed with a little help from his ex. I know, why would we expect any help from her, she is his ex and they are suppose to mistreat each other. However, it really never was that way. Any time I see her, she always speak, she always did. The two of them didn't split up because of me, I came along after the fact. I never spoke ill about her to her daughter because, I didn't know her and as long as she didn't interfer with my and my husband's relationship, I wasn't going to be ugly. After we moved closer to my husband's daughter (his home town), it was still that way. The ex never tried to interfer with our relationship but she did a good job of butchering her daughter and my husband's.
That is all old stuff now. I wish that there was some way to change what happened but, there isn't. I will just be here for him when he starts having his days. He is a good man and his daughter missed out on knowing that. I will take care of him as he misses her.
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